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MEN only: How 2 Hold Interest B-Tween First and Second Dates Sort by:
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Posted on Nov 11, 2011 at 11:35 AM

Unfortunately, guys, part of building a connection with a woman lies in having her feel insecure about your feelings towards her --in the early stages, anyway. If you've had a string of (seemingly) great first dates, only to have the girl disappear afterwards, it is because you failed to leave room for doubt. You will have much better luck if you disappear for a bit immediately following the first date. One common problem with dating in general is that a man is automatically penalized for being a stranger. You can go out and have a great date with a girl, only to have all the attraction evaporate in a few days as you exchange text messages, trying to plan another date. The fact that you aren't someone that she sees regularly in her daily life means that it will be VERY difficult for her to feel any type of connection to you until you sleep with her. However, if you attempt to "forge" a connection by texting her continually, you will likely be punished for showing too much eagerness. It's a catch 22; this is why most traditional "dating" models don't lead to relationships. The best strategy is to mimic the communication strategies of high valued men (like me) and prey on her need for validation, for this is what it means to be a "challenge." Since the chemistry from your first date will be forgotten in days, the only way to get her interest level up is going to be to plant the seed that you aren't sure about her yet and have other prospects. This means to avoid giving her ANY closure following the first date. Don't make plans for a second date on the first one; don't text her to make sure she got in ok at the end of the night, and don't text her the next day to thank her for a nice time. Wait at least a couple of days, unless she contacts you first...and even then, show restraint. Her need for validation is going to be the key to getting her out with you again, so you need to make her feel that tension and uncertainty. When you DO ask her out again, keep it short and sweet- don't try too hard to be witty, and keep these dates SIMPLE. A man valued by many women will NOT bend over backwards trying to impress a girl he just met. Trying to impress her will send her running at this stage in the game. In the event that she can not make the day you suggest and doesn't offer an alternate day, say nothing. Either wait for her to text you again, or wait a week and contact her. If she cancels the second date abruptly, say nothing.

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Posted on Jul 29, 2017 at 05:08 PM

hey

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Posted on Jul 02, 2017 at 08:33 AM

hi

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Posted on May 25, 2017 at 08:00 PM

hello

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Posted on May 25, 2017 at 08:12 AM

Hi

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Posted on Dec 29, 2011 at 07:49 AM

Quoting helena2006:

Hahaha it is the curb and not the curve HPD but being 100% available works in both directions i.e. he or she.  Play hard to get if you have to play games with a relationship, but please, why does it have to be so organized, planned, analyzed?  Take the first date for what it is -a first date.  If it works, mutually you will agree upon a second.  If either party is not happy, it will not.  Finito.



I don't think "a first date" is so simple. People act like dates are no big deal, but inwardly, for a lot of people, they're worse than a job interview. Even more painful than imagining Whoopi Goldberg naked.

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Posted on Dec 27, 2011 at 05:37 PM

Hahaha it is the curb and not the curve HPD but being 100% available works in both directions i.e. he or she.  Play hard to get if you have to play games with a relationship, but please, why does it have to be so organized, planned, analyzed?  Take the first date for what it is -a first date.  If it works, mutually you will agree upon a second.  If either party is not happy, it will not.  Finito.


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Posted on Dec 01, 2011 at 06:30 AM

Quoting Searching2007:

I think you can indeed create chemistry,one way is to be somewhat mysterious,so the other person will wonder about you and start thinking.Of course,it may not work in every single case.


Agreed, Searching. Very few things in dating I find to work 100% of the time. There are always exceptions to every rule. But remember that exceptions don't change the rules much. I personally think that most women will throw you to the curve if they perceive you as being 100% available.

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Posted on Nov 20, 2011 at 10:04 PM

Love  you Venus and it looks like your comments were totally missed.  I understand you friend and good luck on the other side of life


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Posted on Nov 20, 2011 at 07:24 PM

Quoting VenusDarkStar:

OMG_I_am_me....thanks for that. That was just sweet. A REAL man doesn't need to shove his testosterone around to prove himself worthy to a woman. Moreover...the contact thereafter is up to the man, and if he doesn't call, I'm not gonna go chasing him down. I guess it sounds old-fashioned, but that's YOUR job as a man. I am currently involved with a career Army man, and there is nothing wussy about him. But since day ONE, he has called and texted me every day like clockwork. I consider that a strength rather than a weakness, and he deserves my respect. I'm not running away because he contacts me continuously...I find it endearing. It makes me feel like he's thinking about me and wants to be with me. HPD...I just feel you are a game player...and I really dislike that. I'm so glad I have someone in my life who doesn't hold back for fear of losing my interest. On the flip side, I don't play games either. I text him occasionally, and if I DON'T, he's texting ME, wondering where I am and missing me. I just let him be what he is...a man.

Aw come on now VDS! You seriously don't see any "game playing" on your part, when insisting that "the man" text or call you? You fancy yourself "old fashioned" simply because you don't initiate texts or calls? Really? I don't see any old fashioned-ness about it. You're just shrewdly exercising POWER and CONTROL over the relationship--you're clearly vested least in the relationship, so you get the upperhand. If that's not game playing, then you're crazy! If you truly loved a man, you wouldn't care about having to reach out and call or text him. You would reach out to him and do all the texting, phonecalling, etc., even if he didn't reciprocate the communication. But he e would have the upper hand, and I get the feeling, VDS, that you're not going to accept any man having the upper hand over you. You'd rather be in control, or lonely (takes one to know one!) But as long as the guy is willing to chase you around, let him! You can continue to control the relationship by making him do all the phone work. But please, VDS, spare me the double talk about your being old fashioned. You are the girl, after all, who is considering sleeping with the man before you even marry him.

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Posted on Nov 18, 2011 at 04:31 AM

Quoting VenusDarkStar:

OMG_I_am_me....thanks for that. That was just sweet. A REAL man doesn't need to shove his testosterone around to prove himself worthy to a woman. Moreover...the contact thereafter is up to the man, and if he doesn't call, I'm not gonna go chasing him down. I guess it sounds old-fashioned, but that's YOUR job as a man. I am currently involved with a career Army man, and there is nothing wussy about him. But since day ONE, he has called and texted me every day like clockwork. I consider that a strength rather than a weakness, and he deserves my respect. I'm not running away because he contacts me continuously...I find it endearing. It makes me feel like he's thinking about me and wants to be with me. HPD...I just feel you are a game player...and I really dislike that. I'm so glad I have someone in my life who doesn't hold back for fear of losing my interest. On the flip side, I don't play games either. I text him occasionally, and if I DON'T, he's texting ME, wondering where I am and missing me. I just let him be what he is...a man.


VDS That's the same thing as the point that I've been making.

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Posted on Nov 17, 2011 at 04:35 PM

OMG_I_am_me....thanks for that. That was just sweet. A REAL man doesn't need to shove his testosterone around to prove himself worthy to a woman. Moreover...the contact thereafter is up to the man, and if he doesn't call, I'm not gonna go chasing him down. I guess it sounds old-fashioned, but that's YOUR job as a man. I am currently involved with a career Army man, and there is nothing wussy about him. But since day ONE, he has called and texted me every day like clockwork. I consider that a strength rather than a weakness, and he deserves my respect. I'm not running away because he contacts me continuously...I find it endearing. It makes me feel like he's thinking about me and wants to be with me. HPD...I just feel you are a game player...and I really dislike that. I'm so glad I have someone in my life who doesn't hold back for fear of losing my interest. On the flip side, I don't play games either. I text him occasionally, and if I DON'T, he's texting ME, wondering where I am and missing me. I just let him be what he is...a man.

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Posted on Nov 16, 2011 at 11:20 PM

I think you can indeed create chemistry,one way is to be somewhat mysterious,so the other person will wonder about you and start thinking.Of course,it may not work in every single case.

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Posted on Nov 16, 2011 at 09:07 PM

HPD how many of those other species of mammals form monogamous relationships.I also don't get the conclusion concerning human females needing to run away from the idea of forming a monogamous relationship/bond first before getting physical and what's meant by she does that because she's already 'accomplished' her 'objective'.What objective at that point ?.I also can't see the connection between 'aggression' and forming a normal human monogamous relationship. I think your ideas might apply in animals like Polar Bears but not Swans and Humans.Having said that many/most profiles of single girls on dating sites seem to show that maybe human relationships are turning into the same type as the majority of non monogamous casual animal type ones.I think the term would be a four letter word beginning with f followed by and forget and in which it's common for another male to want to mate with the mother of another male's cubs.

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Posted on Nov 16, 2011 at 09:10 AM

Quoting OMG_I_am_me:

Interesting advice, but I'd rather go without a second date than prey on someone's needs. After all, wouldn't that make one a predator, not a highly valued man?


A woman SHOULD be made to guess how much you like her compared with other girls- this is what actually drives interest level. A "high valued man" man plays the dominant role and communicates SEXUAL desire but not necessarily a desire to form a "relationship." In other words, your actions on the first date should say, "I'm attracted to you enough to want to sleep with you, but not yet to the point that I would commit to you." Holding her interest via such indifference will be likely be rewarded when you show her that you can walk away and generate other options--that you don't NEED her. But if you convey to a girl on the first date that you're angling for a relationship with her, before you even get physical, she'll likely lose interest and run away--because she's already accomplished her objective. Keep in mind that nearly all species of female mammals send an invitation to a desired male to approach--and then, somewhat counter-intuitively, they run away. They do this to "chase out" the lesser aggressive males. On the flip side, if you sleep with a girl without promising commitment, it usually "hooks" her, since you've fulfilled your mission before she's fulfilled hers. I realize that this is a generalization, but it holds true most of the time. Seduction is a perfectly natural power struggle. Mindgames between men and women are actually actually a GOOD sign; it means that you and she are actually considering aligning yourselves. But of course, there are lots of different schools of thought on dating and attraction. Focusing on your OWN personal dating preferences above all else is the way you build your own necessary inner confidence.

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Posted on Nov 15, 2011 at 06:11 PM

Quoting OMG_I_am_me:

Interesting advice, but I'd rather go without a second date than prey on someone's needs. After all, wouldn't that make one a predator, not a highly valued man?



OMG, That is beautiful, and a High value Man is prized. :}}


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Posted on Nov 15, 2011 at 10:08 AM

Interesting advice, but I'd rather go without a second date than prey on someone's needs. After all, wouldn't that make one a predator, not a highly valued man?


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Posted on Nov 15, 2011 at 07:26 AM

Quoting HotProfDude:

Ha! We live in a supposedly "equal: society these days; women are out there making their own money, etc. So why is it that the guy is STILL always expected to pay for dinner? LB, I genuinely like you, but you're a typical woman: you want to have your cake and eat it too. Wrong. Waiting to set up a date maintains intrigue; setting another date right away kills intrigue. A girl will NOT put you on the back burner for being mysterious; she WILL, however, if she knows you're already angling for a relationship with her after one date. And think about it honestly: if you had a great date with a guy and he ignored your text afterwards, would you forget about him after a week? Probably not- you'd be confused and wonder why he won't talk to you. THAT'S how you build "momentum" between dates. Sending daily reminders of how witty he is will make him look needy...guaranteed.

HPD You're right that the issue of feminism and equality has put a contradiction into the process of the dating game in just the same way as all the other aspects of relationships. But your advice probably only applies depending on the type of girl and relationship that you're looking for.If the search criterea is for a girl to (hopefully) have a serious relationship/marriage with and her search criterea is the same then it's obvious that is also the object of arranging a date with her regardless of wether that's the first date or all of those that hopefully follow it. In which case the reasons for arranging a date would be obvious to both,as being 'angling for a relationship',even before the first date.It's difficult to understand,in that case,what need there would be for 'intrigue' in that process and why would a girl with that search criterea brand a bloke as 'needy' for taking the totally opposite view to yours of how to show interest in her. The way I see it is that I'm probably better off without any girl who would think like that and it would probably be (much) more likely than not that I'd lose out with Miss Right,if I accepted any advice,concerning the idea,of applying 'intrigue',by ignoring her after the first date to make her 'confused' and make her wonder why it is that I didn't ask for a second date at the end of the first one and make her wonder why I've not spoken to her for days since.

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Posted on Nov 14, 2011 at 05:44 PM

Litenbrite I think I can understand how HPD and Searching have reached their conclusion although I don't agree with it.I also don't think that HPD's advice was referring to just one night stands but the statement that it will be difficult for a girl to make any type of connection until a bloke sleeps with her says a lot about the type of girl that the advice relates to. I think HPD's advice misses the point that the whole object of the first date,and hopefully all those that follow,is to make a connection to see if the chemistry is there and then,if it is,to build on it. I think that it's far more likely that a bloke would damage the chances of that and would actually create closure after the first date,not avoid it,by following the advice to make her think that he's not sure about her,by not asking her for another date at the end of the first one and keeping her waiting and wondering for days and by making her think that she's not the only one. None of that probably applies though in the case of the type of girl who is just into running around looking for casual multiple short term relationships with blokes who are looking for the same.I think HPD's advice confirms that by seeming to say that a bloke who's involved with (or who wants to be involved with) 'many' women will not try to impress a girl he just met.In which case it's obvious that a girl who is looking for that type of bloke would expect that type of treatment. However having said all that the issue of many women,seeming to want the 'social proof',of thinking that a bloke does have another/other woman/women in his life,and my experiences in which I've seen single girls prefer to go for married/seperated/divorced blokes,as discussed in previous topics,would seem to validate 'some' of HPD's advice. I think the issue in that case is one that's linked to the (probably justified) fear of rejection,on the basis of a bloke being seen by women as being desperate,if he shows too much interest,too soon. However as I've said in other topics in my case I've lost all fear of rejection because I just don't care any more.In which case if I like a girl I'd tell her during the first date and try my best to impress her and tell her that there's no one else and ask her for another date at the end of the first one and if that sends her running she's not the one anyway.lol.

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Posted on Nov 14, 2011 at 07:23 AM

Quoting litenbrite:

HPD, If anyone treated me like that, I would not want anything to do with them anyway. So your whole stratedgy would be a waste of time, and any Woman without a self esteem problem would agree. What on earth did women do to you to make you like you are?


Dearest LB: This is just my opinion, but there are a LOT of guys out there who think exactly like me, but they are too fearful to express those thoughts. Thoreau said that most men lead lives of quiet desparation. I hold this to be true. Thoreau was a smart man--and he never married.

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