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25 THINGS MOTHER TAUGHT YOU ABOUT LIFE; Funny jokes and anecdotes

  • View author's info Posted on Nov 13, 2006 at 03:50 AM

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY.

    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP.

    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

    "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
  • 4Comments

  • View author's info Posted on Jul 29, 2014 at 03:17 AM

    So a bus load of nuns gets in a horroble accident. They all pass and are on their way to heaven. They are at Pearly gates of heaven being manned by Peter. At the gates just befor entering heaven Peter stands with a golden tub of holy water. As each nun approaches Peter asks what was really 1 simple questions of the Nuns.

    "Sister, have you ever touched a mans penis"?  Sister Kathy had only done so on one occaision and it was as a teenager "Yes Peter" she raised her right index finger and proclaimed that she had touched a young mans peins with the raised finger. Peter then said " Sister Katherine, dip your finger in the holy water and penter the gates to heaven".  Sister Mary was next in line. Peter again asked "Sister, have you ever touched a mans penis"? Sister Mary knew this was no time to lie, she remembered back to the churches casino night so many years ago when she  got just a bit tipsy and decided to give a hand job to the blackjack dealer. She proudly raised that right hand and admitted before god that with her right hand she had touched a mans penis. Sister Mary said Peter, dip your hand in the holy water and pass throgjh the gates..... Before he could finsish his sentence Sister Marie and  Sister Donna began an all out war with each other. They were swinging fists and cussing it was an abomination  to god himself.  Peter rushed back and broke them up with every ounce of strength he had. "SISTERS!!! What would be so wrong that you would commit acts opf violence in the view of god himsel"? That is when Sister Donna turned to Peter and said, "Peter, If you think I am going to Gargle that water after Sister Marie sticks her ass in it You are mistaken"!!

  • View author's info Posted on Aug 18, 2009 at 09:52 PM

    Hahahaha! I'm starting to sound like that! (OMG, somebody stop me!)

    (Here's a recent pic, just in case...)

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  • View author's info Posted on May 16, 2007 at 04:05 PM

    It sounds like your mom and my mom when to the same parenting class.

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  • View author's info Posted on Nov 15, 2006 at 08:22 PM

    Your mother went to the same 'old school' as my mother! I heard them all!